that one time i assaulted a cop

in my head.

But, I REALLY wanted to - in real life.

I was driving to work (I drive to work these days. I am so sick of city living and traveling by Bart. Sue me), and was going particularly fast down a hill.

I didn't see him until I was already going down the hill and I slammed on my breaks to slow down but it was too late. He had already seen me, and from the looks of it, clocked me at speeding down this dumb hill.

He pulled me over and there we were. Just him and I. Mano y mano. (Is that even how you spell it?)

Now, listen to me. I have a fairly decent track record with these people. I have only paid a total of 2 tickets in my 9 years of driving. I would say, that's not too bad. I generally get away with warnings and get out of tickets with my irresistible charm and let's face it, boobs. Whatever. You can judge me. I use these puppies to my advantage. When you are cursed with these bad boys which give you back pain everyday, the inability to find reasonably priced bras that fit and clothing that doesn't make you look pregnant and/or top heavy, your judgements are just white noise to me. When I find an opportunity to use them to my advantage, I take it.

And let's face it, by use them, I mean maybe lean over the window of my vehicle just a TAD more than normal. 

Anyway, back to my story.

The officer told me he had me clocked going 22 mph over the speed limit.

And the conversation when like this:

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Alix: "Work."

O: "Where do you work?"

A: "Downtown. It takes me 20 to 25 minutes away."

O: "Are you running late?"

A: "I am now... And I was running a few minutes late."

O: "Well, maybe you should learn to get up earlier."

A: "Good advice. Have you been talking to my husband?"

O: Straight face.

A: Takes foot off break while in park, car rolls about an inch and half forward.

O: "Whoa! Are you going to try and run from me?"

A: "Are you an idiot?" Ok fine, I didn't say that. "No. I would never run away from an officer of the law."

Officer then goes to his handy dandy motorcycle with my license and registration while I wait 10 minutes for him to tell me the following.

O: "Ok, well I have you going 22 mph over the speed limit. Here is your ticket. And just so you know, if you are planning on living here for more than 3 months, you have to get a California license to take traffic school or fight a ticket. Also, you are not eligible for that FastTrack you got there. I should write a ticket for that, but I'm feeling generous today."

A: "Well, aren't you kind."

I take my ticket and drive away into the sunset with a horrible taste in my mouth for all California law enforcement.

What a fabulous week this is turning to to be.

real life HOUSE episode...

Minus a real, proper diagnosis.
It's a long story, but here it is.

It all started on Friday evening. My mom was staying with Kirk and I through the weekend and I had to take Friday off work to be with her. We ran a bunch of errands and Kirk called and asked me to pick him up from work downtown. 

When I got to his office, Kirk was complaining about a pretty bad headache and body aches and we attributed it to maybe he was getting the flu.

(Sidebar: I don't do well with illnesses. Especially those that are contagious. I kind of freaked out and thought about my mom staying with us and was worried we would all have it by the end of the day.)

We got home from SF and Kirk immediately went to bed and slept until about midnight. I had put my mom to bed and climbed into my bed with Kirk and he was awake and clearly in distress. He was feverish, shivering, hot to cold in seconds. He told me he was nauseous, and felt like he was going to pass out all the time, and his body hurt so bad that the pain level was somewhere near the pain he felt when passing a kidney stone.

I started to think that he had a kidney stone again and we needed to go to the hospital but Kirk wanted to brave it through the night and see how he felt the next day.

The night went on and it was awful. I probably slept for MAYBE 3 hours and woke up at 9am to help my mom get breakfast. Kirk came down the stairs around noon and said he felt worse than the day before. We called every single instacare in the area and NONE of them were open. We decided that Kirk should wait until Monday and if he still feels like death, we should go to instacare or the ER.

I ran to Walgreens and picked up some Advil PM and a Jamba Juice and that seemed to help him sleep for a few hours. When he woke up, he said he felt worse. 

He was shaking and shivering and in so much pain and I couldn't do anything to make him feel better. I finally said that we HAD to go to the ER.

By this time, it was 11pm and we were all ready for bed and in our pajamas. I quickly changed out of my polkadot onesie and into more presentable clothing and helped my mom change into something other than her leopard print pjs. 

Kirk was taken into the ER where they hooked an IV to him and took his vitals and a blood sample. They also did a flu test where they stuck a Q-tip looking thing up his nose practically touching his brain to see if it was the flu. (I was laughing pretty hard at this test. I'm such a mean wife, I know, but seriously I couldn't even imagine the uncomfortableness of it all. And I was so sleep deprived, most things were funny at that point anyway.)

Kirk had a fever of 101.5 and his blood pressure was so low the nurses were worried.

By the time we saw a doctor, it was 1am and my mom was done. I took her home and put her to bed and ran straight back to the ER and stayed there for another 5 hours before the doctor came back and said she doesn't know what he has but if she were to guess, it's the flu even though the flu test came back negative.
I had to go home so I could be there when my mom woke up but I was also worried about leaving Kirk at the ER. Kirk promised he would call when they would discharge him, or call a friend to take him home if I didn't answer.
So I headed home and woke up 4 hours later in a panic, worried that I missed Kirk's call since he wasn't home. As soon as my mom and I were showered, we went back to the hospital where I found out Kirk was admitted. Since Kirk's flu tests all came back negative and his blood pressure was so low, they had to keep him for 24 hour surveillance. Kirk kept saying his pain level was at an 8 or 9 and so they gave him the good stuff. And it only took the edge off. They also did a lumbar puncture, where the go in with a needle into the spine and extract some spinal fluid to see if he had meningitis. I was FREAKING out because meningitis is scary. Very scary. Luckily, the fluid was clear and there was no meningitis.
The doctors were stumped and still had no answers for us.
At around 5, I took my mom to Berkeley to meet up with my uncle and have her go back to Fairfield.
That took a little load off and I was able to go back to the hospital while Kirk's friend Seth kept him company.
So for the next 16 hours, I set up camp in the room and waited for Kirk to feel better, for a doctor to give us some answers, and to go home.

Watching Chopped in le hospital bed. Yeah, I joined Kirk in that bed. Devoted wife? Or just didn't want to lay on the most uncomfortable couch ever? You be the judge.

We both had another night of horrible sleep with several wake ups during the night by nurses taking vitals. Probably slept for 4 hours as well.
Around 9am, we woke up and Kirk was feeling exponentially better and we BEGGED and pleaded with the nurses to get the doc so we could get some answers and get OUT of there.
We were finally able to talk to the doctor who told us that ultimately, they don't know an exact diagnosis of Kirk's ailments. He said that he has a pretty good guess that it was a flu-like virus that attacked his liver. THE WORST! That is why he was feeling so deathly.
We finally got out of there and headed home. Kirk was exceptionally happy to get some FOOD since he was on a clear food diet.
I, on the other hand was exceptionally happy to go home and REST. However, being the germaphobe that I am, I couldn't rest before disinfecting everything and doing laundry til the cows came home.
My work was awesome and let me take Monday AND today off work so we can recuperate and get back on our feet. I am SO glad this weekend is over and happy that Kirk did not die.
Such a crazy weekend and I am so grateful for everyone who offered their love and support and help these past few days.



PHEW!