this is going to be sad.

Tonight I am feeling very overwhelmed.

This is the first time since being engaged that the hype of it all has kind of settled and I am now faced with this seemingly exciting task of planning a wedding.

I am excited to get married and be with my one and only, don't get me wrong.

I am just feeling sad that I will be planning this wedding without my mom.

I know she is physically here on earth, but the mom I knew isn't.

There are still moments when she is here. We see glimpses of it and it's like nothing has ever changed.

I miss that.

It's hard for me to think about let alone talk about it.

People ask, How's your mom?

And all I can really do is smile and say, She's doing well.

That's all I want to say. Because every thing else is too hard to talk about.

I will just start to cry.

There are times when that's all I want to do. Sometimes I think I don't remember what she was like. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who she was and people have to remind me.

And I hate it.

Sometimes I wish I could call her and have a conversation. I wish she could take over during moments like these. She was good at that. She always knew when I was feeling overwhelmed and was there to help.

Sometimes I feel sad for her. I know it's frustrating for her. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was thinking. And sometimes I can't go there.

Everyday I wish I could take back all the fights I had with her. I was such a bratty teenager. I wish I never said anything negative to her. I wish I let her know how much I appreciate her and how much I love her.

People expect me to have it all together. To go to school. To move on with my life. Which I am trying to do. But, there are moments, moments like these when I don't want to. Because I don't want her to miss out on all the things she was looking forward to.

Graduation.

My wedding.
Her first grandchild.

I just miss her.

I know God has a plan for everyone.

I just hope that someday I will be able to find peace and understanding through it all.

I mean, I know I will someday.

and he's all mine.

It seems as though I have stirred up quite the controversy with my last blog post.

I must ensure and inform you all that no date has been set however, it looks like March is "WINNING." As Charlie Sheen would so aptly say.

I would like to mention a few important things about the impending marriage between Kirk-master-five-thousand and myself.

Well, it's more like a few reasons why Kirk can be categorized as "soul mate" material in my eyes.

Kirk allows me to call him all sorts of nicknames and if you are close enough to us, you will be able to experience the generational nicknaming that happens if you have grown up in my household.

I, for example am named Alexandra. However, if you call me that, most likely I will not answer. Alix is most preferred.

My little sisters are BeBe and Dolly. Nicknames that don't have much to do with their real names.

And don't even get me started on Ani's name.

Kirk let's me call him all sorts of things. And doesn't blink an eye. Literally, he just stares in disbelief: "Did you really just call me juicy-cakes?"

"Why, yes I did."

Another reason why Kirk is awesome. He's a master of electronics or more specifically, computers. Don't let my blog fool you, he is quite the web designer/entrepreneur/developer. I can't tell you how many times he has fixed or hooked my family up with some sweet software. He knows things we mere humans do not.

I enjoy cooking and Kirk enjoys eating. Yin and Yang people. Yin and Yang.

Kirk also is a goofball to the extreme. Although he may not be so outward with it around people, he is with me and I can seriously laugh until I pee my pants (talk about awkward.) He does these very interesting dance moves and facial expressions that I wonder sometimes, why we are even together. But, it's ok because sometimes I do things that are quite unattractive with my face and the feelings become mutual.

Kirk is an optimist. And I say this with the most extreme sense of the word. I consider myself to be a skeptic and a realist. Some may even refer to me as a pessimist. Whatever. But, Kirk's mantra is

"Life will find a way."

And for him, it always does. And sometimes it makes me jealous of his optimistical ways. But mostly, he makes me think positively even when life sucks. And I am grateful for that.

Kirk is a scientist. This is a blessing and a curse. He never wants to follow recipes or sometimes the rules. It can drive a lady crazy. I can remember the time Kirk thought it would be the best idea ever to mix real pureed strawberries into Diet Coke. It wasn't a good idea. He loves to create experiments and discover new things. I love this about him because we love to do this together. We are curious creatures and enjoy adventures.

Kirk and I can talk for HOURS. We love conversing with each other and telling each other the strange things we encounter each day. Trust me, there is always something to tell.

Lastly, Kirk is my best friend. He knows exactly what to do to turn my frown upside down.

Am I making everyone here jealous?

Well back off ladies... Because he's all mine.

they're magically delicious

Welp, as it turns out, I was getting quite bored of blogging the NYC trip. And let's be honest here, I'm sure you were all too. So the break from the recount of NYC has been extended.

Don't act surprised, ok?

It's not like you have really seen me finish or follow-through with much. I mean, how many times have I said I'm going to give this blog a makeover? And how many times have I said I'm going to buckle down and get into shape? And how many times have I said I'm going to do this, that and the other thing, and have not done it?

My point is simply this: I acknowledge my shortcomings and have little to no desire to really change them. I'm getting married. All my personality flaws are no longer flaws but are endearing quirks that my fiancee just loves. That's how it works, you know. Anyone will tell you that.

For any other engagement or marriage advice, you know where to find me.

Wedding planning is moving at the rate of a tortoise race. For some reason, Kirk and I are not keen on making any sort of decisions and this my friends, is why you have not received a "Save-The-Date" or heard any news on the matter.

The following is a conversation Kirk and I had on picking a wedding date.

Kirk: You chose a date, and we'll stick to it.

Me: March 17, 2012

Kirk: No, St. Patrick's day should be left for St. Patrick. Not for us. We can't share a holiday with a leprechaun. What about all of the parties we won't be able to go to because it's our anniversary?

Me: Listen, when have you ever gone to a St. Patrick's day party? And think about it: it's the best excuse in the world to say you can't go - it will be our anniversary!

Kirk: I am just not a fan...

Me: I am. And we can even put a cheeky pot of gold somewhere at our reception in honor of the holiday. It's totally good luck. AND... who doesn't want to be lucky on their wedding?

Clearly we are on the right path to choosing a date AND a theme for decorations. I brought all my best arguments to the table and we still couldn't agree.

I will tell you that planning a wedding, at least in my eyes, is not my favorite pass time. I will leave those duties to wedding planners. However, finding a place for Kirk to live (and me to move into later on) is proving to be quite exciting. Much more fun than deciding if we should hire the town leprechaun to host our beloved event and if we should serve Lucky Charms as the main course.

If you, or someone you know, has amazing taste and loves to plan weddings, please contact me. I just don't even know what to do with myself and my indecisive fiancee.

Bridesmaid dresses anyone?

one proud fiance

I have decided to take a little break from my lovely recount of the NYC trip and talk about something else.

Please put your hands together for this man:

(He will be so happy I posted this picture.)

And his fellow teammates:

Garrett Gee

and

Ben Turley.

They have made this fantabulous iPhone app that scans these little things called QR Codes.

They look like this:

Now that you have seen this pic, you will see them EVERYWHERE!

Yesterday as I was checking the daily stats on their app, I saw that they were placed

#10

Out of 400,000+ apps in the app store!

Talk about AWESOME!!! They were above FACEBOOK!

Let's just say that the future for these guys is looking pretty bright and I couldn't be more proud!

More news to come on their business!

Congratulotions you guys!

(Yes, congratulOtions.)

NYC: DAY 2

Yo people.

Day 2 was all sorts of awesome.

I slept in until noon. Some of you may think I'm crazy because who would do that in a new city? The answer to that is ME. I would. I sleep in on trips. It makes for a much more smoother trip when I am well rested and happy. OK?

Little did I know, this was a good thing because Kirk was working out all the kinks and details of the proposal.

We finally got outside and did some adventuring.

Kirk's friend mapped out a TON of things we should do and we literally did ONE of those things. New York is not a city of many things in one day unless you start early in the morning.

Kirk and I wandered around Wall Street and saw Ground Zero.

Kirk's friend Nick (Nick is probably the person we can credit for our recent engagement... actually probably to credit for the entire relationship. Maybe a blog post on the story of Kirk and Alix is necessary. If you are all interested.)

Anyway, turns out, Nick was in NYC and so we met up with him for a little lunch around the Hudson River? (I'm not sure, but it was a waterfront.)

Nick took us to his hotel room where he had an amazing view of ground zero. That place is breathtaking. I stared at it in awe... the fear and emotions from that day were palpable.

After that, Nick took us on our first ride on a subway. I recommend a tour guide for New York. Especially the subways... I don't know how people ride those things everyday - mostly in the summertime. It. WAS. HOT. Kirk likened it to walking into the pits of hell. Kirk knows...?

But seriously.

We made it to downtown and did some shopping at H&M. It was magical. I got many awesome things and so did Kirk. It was one of the first times Kirk and I had enjoyable shopping experiences together. Usually I shop by my lonesome. :)

After doing some damage at H&M, we walked up 5th AVE and happened upon Rockefeller Plaza.

We took the elevators to the very top and the elevator was SO cool. They make the top clear and you can see inside the elevator shaft as you ride up and down. It was weird and made me a little nauseous, but awesome at the same time. The views were AMAZING. This city is GINORMOUS! We spent a long time up there just soaking up the views and feeling the energy - the hustle and bustle even at 10pm.

I secretly wished we would see a famous face but no such luck. Not many celebrity sitings occur on Sunday nights at 30 Rock.

After 30 Rock, we ran into a nice little magician man who stole our attention... he showed us a few card tricks and made me a lovely balloon animal. I believe his name was Merlin (how original.)

We walked over to Time Square and it was nuts! SO MANY PEOPLE! It was like daytime in the middle of the night.

Kirk got sucked in to get a caricature of us and it turned out looking nothing like us! haha I tried to warn him!

At this point, we were exhausted... we tried to take a subway back to the hotel but one of the trains closes after midnight and we could not figure out how to get back. Well, I'm sure we would be able to figure it out I mean, I had a map and all... but, it was so dang hot.

(the subway, almost unbearable.)

We had to jump to different subway entrances and Kirk had enough of the million degree subways. His lips were all white and he was really pale... He looked like he was going to pass out. So we gave in and took a cab to our final destination.

WHEW! We were happy to be in a nice air conditioned room and happy planning our next day. :)

NYC: DAY 1

My trip to NYC needs about 35 different posts.

And for some reason posting all the pictures on here kills me. It takes forever and they always need to be manually moved around and blah blah blah. And I am complaining because it really is quite the chore ok?

However, the trip was fabulous.

Minus the scorching heat that I have previously mentioned, we managed to stay alive and not melt.

I want to go back in the fall with Kirk and do more fun things.

So here goes the story:

Day ONE:

We arrived in Newark Airport at about 9:30pm. We had to find a way to get in the city and we missed the train by about 3 minutes and the next train was supposed to come in 45 minutes. 45 more minutes in the airport seemed like such a drag so we found a bus that could take us and so we opted for that.

We were dropped off on 5th Ave and some street I don't know. Just about 2 blocks from our hotel. We walked and walked and walked and walked with our suitcases through the city. My suitcase was already 49 lbs. (Don't worry, I did some major shopping whilst there.) I immediately felt like a New Yorker walking through the city with my belongings. People do so much walking carrying stuff there...

We got to the hotel and they were booked and gave away our reservation! Uh... isn't that what a reservation is for? So they don't give it away? Anyway, they gave us $80 and hailed a cab for us (how thoughtful) and sent us to their sister hotel on Wall Street... FAR AWAY. We were supposed to be staying more Downtown so we could be kind of in the middle of everything. But we were able to see the Brooklyn bridge and check out some of the city on the drive. Kirk's 2nd ride in a cab was successful. No crazy driving - but don't you worry yourselves, crazy cab drivers were present on our trip.

By this time, it was about 11pm and Kirk and I were STARVING! So we went adventuring out into the world and found a random pizza bar and ate some thin crust pizza.

It was fun to kind of walk around Wall Street at night and get a feel of what the financial district is like. It reminded me of San Francisco... since they are TOTALLY comparable. Haha...

We finally went to sleep around 1am and I slept in like CRAZY the next day.

Day TWO coming soon.

the story of the proposal. nyc style.

OK OK OK OK OK.

Listen to me.

By now you may have heard the news...

I'm ENGAGED!!!!!

Would you like to hear the full story? Ok, I guess I will tell you.

It's a good one.

It all began about 2 weeks ago.

My birthday was coming up and I wanted to go to Vegas and had been wanting to go for my birthday for months. Kirk had to go to San Francisco for business before Vegas (finalizing funding for his business... big deal, big big deal) and Kirk had mentioned how he needed to possibly go to NYC for work around the same time as San Fran and Vegas. So he offered to take me there for my birthday after Vegas. And I was like, DUH! Who wouldn't accept such a wondrous trip??

Move forward to the day before Kirk leaves for San Francisco.

Kirk and I were talking and I was getting really annoyed with him and how he had been working so much for the past 4 months.

I was all, "Listen, I don't even know if I want to go on this trip with you because I don't want to be having to do everything by myself because you're working. That's lame!"

And he was all, "Well, what can I do to make it better?"

And I was all, "Don't go to San Francisco. Stay here with me!"

I'm so selfish, I already know this. Looking back at this conversation, I'm slightly embarrassed at how I acted because little did I know that I would be an engaged woman soon, and this is no way for such a lady to act. How needy and crazy am I?

Kirk said, "Listen, I HAVE to go to San Francisco."

And I said, "Well, this just proves that all you care about is work. You don't even care about me."

Reasonable, right?

Kirk was silent for a minute or two. I could tell I was a little bit out of line and kind of hurt his feelings. But I was standing my ground. The last thing I want is a boyfriend who is a workaholic.

He then turned to me and said, "Alix, listen, I have to go to San Francisco. Not just for work but also because I need to talk to your dad."

Me: Shocked. Confused. About to cry and mostly confused. "Wait... why?"

Kirk took a deep breath and said, "I want to marry you and be with you and I want to ask for your dad's permission so I can ask you when I feel the time is right."

Me: Feeling stupid and rather ashamed for my immature and child-like behavior. I was getting on his case for not making this relationship work and he was doing the opposite. Yes, sheepish is what I was feeling. "Oh... Well, um... Well, uh... oh. Ok."

That settled that argument.

Then Vegas.

I met up with my cousin and her boyfriend who are also thinking about tying the knot and she mentioned that we should go ring shopping. The discussion Kirk and I had days earlier led me to believe that said engagement wouldn't happen for quite some time. He knew I wanted to pick out my ring and that I wanted him to be a part of it and we had some pretty sick connections to a diamond appraiser that we definitely wanted to take advantage of.

I told my cousin I would go with her but that I wouldn't really try on anything... I have no idea what I want. And I don't want to look like one of those silly girls who tries on rings after one or two mentions of marriage. That is SO not me.

My cousin was all, "Listen to me Alix, you're going to have to try on rings. And I am going to tell you something: Kirk asked me to help him figure out what kind of rings you like. So, you have to try some on. I'm sorry just told you that but, I just KNOW you won't try on any rings unless I told you that."

Me: "Uh... Oh... Well... Ok."

So we tried on a few and I liked a lot of them. Diamonds really are my best friend. And just go with everything.

The last night we were in Vegas, Kirk, Travis, Rachel and I were walking through the Aria hotel and they had a random jewelry store. We walked inside and browsed. I was looking at some rings that were in the displays and a lady asked me if I wanted to try one on. I said sure and she pulled out the one I wanted. I loved it. Only one problem: not a real diamond. Not exactly what I wanted. But it was still gorgeous.

I gave back the ring and left the Aria, never to see it again...

Or so I thought.

New York City.

If I were to liken that city to any beverage it would be a quadruple shot espresso with a martini olive on the side.

Like walking in between classes in high school. People everywhere.

CRAZY.

That's what it is.

It was hot. Sticky. Steamy. Sweaty. And a lot of walking.

OH, and absolutely breathtaking. I could not believe I was there and that I was seeing things I had only seen in movies.

(A post on New York City to come)

For my birthday, Kirk's friend Clint had hooked us up with some SWEET tickets to see Wicked on Broadway. It was seriously amazing. Everything looked like it was picture perfect. We laughed, we cried. It was awesome.

After the show, Kirk wanted to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.

I, on the other hand, was tired, my feet were on fire and extremely hot.

But I agreed to the adventure. I heard the Brooklyn Bridge had some spectacular views and I really would regret passing it up.

We started to walk and it. was. hot.

I was dying.

Kirk tried stopping us a few times to take pictures and stuff but I was not having it. Nowhere to sit, no breeze and my feet. Oh my poor feet.

We got towards the end of the bridge and there was a little area to sit on some benches so we took a little break and sat down.

I continued to complain about the status of my piglets and show him my dime-size blisters.

Romantical, I know.

Kirk then turned to me and said, "Hey! It's time to give you your birthday present!"

Me: "YES! What is it? I don't see any presents on you..."

Kirk then got up and got down on one knee.

Me: "Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh."

Kirk pulled out a ring that looked very familiar to me. The ring from the Aria! I almost grabbed it out of his hand. Habit I suppose.

Kirk: "Alix, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

Of course I said.....................

..............................

.................................................

............................

"No."

Kirk: "What? Really?"

Me: "No!"

Kirk: "Wait... no, yes? Or no, no?"

Me: "YES YES YES!!! Of COURSE I will marry you!"

We sat on the benches for a while afterward just talking and I was trying to connect all the dots.

Kirk told me that while we were walking on the bridge, he was trying to stop me and propose to me. He said that every time we stopped he would get all ready and I would walk away and say, "Let's keep walking! Too hot!"

Kirk was all disappointed and thought that it wouldn't happen on the Brooklyn Bridge like he had been planning for weeks.

Poor guy...

The ring was also tough for him to get. He told me that when he saw me try it on at the place, he could see in my face that I liked it and that when we left, he sensed a sadness from me. Intuitive, right?

He tried to get to the jewelry store the morning we left but they were closed and didn't open until after our flight left. He called and tried to get the ring shipped to the place we were staying in NY. They finally agreed to overnight it and it came the DAY OF. Talk about lucky!

But Kirk wants me to have a REAL diamond and one that is EXACTLY what I want.

I told him that I didn't care and Kirk was like, "I CARE!"

So you may see a different ring on my finger soon.

My dad: When Kirk went to San Francisco, he didn't think to call my dad before he left. So when he got there, he called my dad to invite him to dinner but my dad was in Hawaii! So the day OF the proposal, Kirk got a hold of my dad and said he was planning on proposing tonight and my dad said, "YES YES YES YES!!! We would LOVE to have you be a part of the family! And we love you both!"

That was easy.

Since it was such a surprise, we don't have a date, a location or even a COLOR that we can decide on.

There are times where I feel like I am just playing house and my ring is just pretend. And there are times where I get giddy and weirded out that I am ENGAGED!!!!

I will keep you posted on any updates!

But for now, we are just enjoying engagement and calling each other fiancé.

the wedding.

2 weeks ago, we made the trip to Northern California for my lovely cousin Christina's wedding.

It was a beautiful wedding held at a winery and vineyard in Suisun Valley.

I was pleasantly surprised at how everything went down with out a single hitch.

Cousins! She was a gorgeous bride!

If I were to complain about one thing about this wedding it would be that I forgot my black bra so I was sporting the white bra straps all night. I was so classy.

Kirk and I at the dinner. We literally ate in the middle of the vineyard and the entire wedding was catered by the Buckhorn. It was absolutely DELICIOUS.

They hired a live band to play for the rest of the reception. They were seriously awesome and everything they sang just made everyone want to dance. They even let my cousins do a duet of Justin Bieber Kirk didn't know that us Parkinson's could break it down on the dance floor. EVERY SINGLE PERSON was dancing. This is what made the wedding so fun and epic. I honestly have never had such a fabulous time at a wedding. And I wasn't even drinking. Haha!

I love this picture that my uncle secretly snapped. Christina's husband, Simon, was a singer for Disney and played Zach Efron in the High School Musical parades at Disney. He sang "Brown-Eyed Girl" for Christina and of course, it's like my anthem.... so Kirk and I danced our butts off.

(I kind of wish my legs were as tan as my arms and face. They are always the last to get sun.)

I would say if weddings had perfect outcomes, then this wedding was perfection.

Congratulations to Christina and Simon!

the story of brazil.

Hi.

I am going to preface this post by telling everyone who reads my blog (all 24 of you) that this story may be a little too much information if you catch my drift.

But the thing is, I don't really care. If I see you in real-life I will probably tell you all about this so why don't we save the face-to-face conversation and just spill my guts out on this here blog.

I mean, I am pretty much an open book anyway.

Moving on.

My cousin and I decided that we were brave enough to endure a waxing of the southern hemisphere... the wayyy southern hemisphere.

Why you may ask?

Well you see, I have no reason to get one other than the fact that I HATE shaving and that I was curious about the results. Everyone I know who has had one said they are painful but well worth it.

I remember one of my best friends Karlisa telling me years ago that it was the worst pain she has ever experienced.

I am crazy. I already know it.

Curiosity has gotten the best of me.

We had been planning for a couple months to go together but our schedules did not allow us to do it together and so I decided I was sick of waiting and made the appointment all by my lonesome.

So I went.

I was so nervous I was shaking... not necessarily because of the pain but for the awkwardness that inevitably would follow.

The girl told me to lay down and drape this sorry excuse for a wash cloth over myself and she will be back momentarily.

I stood in the room for a few minutes trying to decide if I really wanted to do this. I had a mental battle with myself for a good minute and weighed the pros and cons:

Eventually, I convinced myself to stay and laid on the table waiting for the girl to walk in.

She got right to business leaving no time for me to get comfortable with the idea of having some stranger see my goods.

The first rip was just as I expected. Slightly painful but nothing I couldn't handle.

I thought to myself, "I can TOTALLY do this! I can totally handle this pain."

Let me just say that there was one point where I thought to myself, "What the heck did I get myself into... I want to leave now."

But I couldn't. Because the wax was already there. And there was no way I could get out of it except to endure the pain of the rip.

I am now relearning how to walk... and a little uncomfortable.

Verdict?

It's worth it. But, not recommended for the weak of heart or low-pain tolerant.

the story of the shake weight.

Things have not been going as planned when I first purchased the Shake Weight.

I had high hopes for my arms at that point.

But, what I didn't realize is that I didn't have high hopes for my laziness.

Let me explain: I don't really feel like I have time to use the Shake Weight for 6 minutes a day.

I mean seriously, who has 6 minutes to spare? Certainly not me.

I need to sleep in until 11 and I need to go to bed at 2 am to make sure I have the most productive day I could possibly have.

That being said, I went shopping with the sister on Monday and tried on numerous things and stuff and quite honestly, shopping never puts me in the greatest mood because I realize how much I need to work out and stop eating all the good and evil treats and Rocky Mountain.

It really is so very hard though guys.

For example, yesterday I worked at noon until 4 at my first job and then straight from there I went to Rocky Mountain. I didn't eat lunch or breakfast so by the time I got to the treat store, I was starrrrving and decided that I should probably gorge myself on Oreo crumbs, ice cream and fudge. The evening was followed by my self-loathing and quite the stomach ache.

You see, I normally don't eat sugar. Not because of some high and mighty healthy reason. No no, people, self control is not my strong point. Clearly.

It's because I don't really crave it, I don't buy it, and I don't have it laying around my house on my normal day-to-day living.

However, if it's there for the taking, then I will surely eat it.

My point is simply this:

I have a wedding to go to in less than 2 weeks.

I will do the Shake Weight challenge.

6 minutes a day until I go to this blessed event.
I will document my progress.

Are you excited?