that one time i assaulted a cop

in my head.

But, I REALLY wanted to - in real life.

I was driving to work (I drive to work these days. I am so sick of city living and traveling by Bart. Sue me), and was going particularly fast down a hill.

I didn't see him until I was already going down the hill and I slammed on my breaks to slow down but it was too late. He had already seen me, and from the looks of it, clocked me at speeding down this dumb hill.

He pulled me over and there we were. Just him and I. Mano y mano. (Is that even how you spell it?)

Now, listen to me. I have a fairly decent track record with these people. I have only paid a total of 2 tickets in my 9 years of driving. I would say, that's not too bad. I generally get away with warnings and get out of tickets with my irresistible charm and let's face it, boobs. Whatever. You can judge me. I use these puppies to my advantage. When you are cursed with these bad boys which give you back pain everyday, the inability to find reasonably priced bras that fit and clothing that doesn't make you look pregnant and/or top heavy, your judgements are just white noise to me. When I find an opportunity to use them to my advantage, I take it.

And let's face it, by use them, I mean maybe lean over the window of my vehicle just a TAD more than normal. 

Anyway, back to my story.

The officer told me he had me clocked going 22 mph over the speed limit.

And the conversation when like this:

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Alix: "Work."

O: "Where do you work?"

A: "Downtown. It takes me 20 to 25 minutes away."

O: "Are you running late?"

A: "I am now... And I was running a few minutes late."

O: "Well, maybe you should learn to get up earlier."

A: "Good advice. Have you been talking to my husband?"

O: Straight face.

A: Takes foot off break while in park, car rolls about an inch and half forward.

O: "Whoa! Are you going to try and run from me?"

A: "Are you an idiot?" Ok fine, I didn't say that. "No. I would never run away from an officer of the law."

Officer then goes to his handy dandy motorcycle with my license and registration while I wait 10 minutes for him to tell me the following.

O: "Ok, well I have you going 22 mph over the speed limit. Here is your ticket. And just so you know, if you are planning on living here for more than 3 months, you have to get a California license to take traffic school or fight a ticket. Also, you are not eligible for that FastTrack you got there. I should write a ticket for that, but I'm feeling generous today."

A: "Well, aren't you kind."

I take my ticket and drive away into the sunset with a horrible taste in my mouth for all California law enforcement.

What a fabulous week this is turning to to be.