Tonight I am feeling very overwhelmed.
This is the first time since being engaged that the hype of it all has kind of settled and I am now faced with this seemingly exciting task of planning a wedding.
I am excited to get married and be with my one and only, don't get me wrong.
I am just feeling sad that I will be planning this wedding without my mom.
I know she is physically here on earth, but the mom I knew isn't.
There are still moments when she is here. We see glimpses of it and it's like nothing has ever changed.
I miss that.
It's hard for me to think about let alone talk about it.
People ask, How's your mom?
And all I can really do is smile and say, She's doing well.
That's all I want to say. Because every thing else is too hard to talk about.
I will just start to cry.
There are times when that's all I want to do. Sometimes I think I don't remember what she was like. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who she was and people have to remind me.
And I hate it.
Sometimes I wish I could call her and have a conversation. I wish she could take over during moments like these. She was good at that. She always knew when I was feeling overwhelmed and was there to help.
Sometimes I feel sad for her. I know it's frustrating for her. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was thinking. And sometimes I can't go there.
Everyday I wish I could take back all the fights I had with her. I was such a bratty teenager. I wish I never said anything negative to her. I wish I let her know how much I appreciate her and how much I love her.
People expect me to have it all together. To go to school. To move on with my life. Which I am trying to do. But, there are moments, moments like these when I don't want to. Because I don't want her to miss out on all the things she was looking forward to.
Graduation.
My wedding.
Her first grandchild.
Her first grandchild.
I just miss her.
I know God has a plan for everyone.
I just hope that someday I will be able to find peace and understanding through it all.
I mean, I know I will someday.
10 comments:
hopefully kirk is giving you extra hugs today, my heart hurts for you. I love your mom and chuckle often when I think of how you two used to interact... why did we think we were so cool as teenagers?? we totally weren't!!! ok well you might have been but I wasn't!
Oh I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I'm so glad though that you are writing your feelings out, that always seems to help. I love your mom. I love you.
Tears and more tears for you and your Mom. Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts in such a beautiful but heart wrenching way. I feel your pain and sorrow on so many levels. I do know for sure that she loves you and would want to be there for you especially right now. You are truly amazing now and you were as a teenager, don't worry about all that, she didn't. She loved watching you grow up and we all know it isn't an easy time of life. Your life is a testament to her and she is so proud of you and how you are turning out!
Love you and thinking of you xoxox
Love you Alix.
alix, there are hardly words. i wish so badly that you didn't have to go through this pain. it makes me sick. but you're right, the lord has a plan and a reason for everything. just don't forget that. i love you.
i'm all weepy. you did warn me with the title though eh? I love you and your mama and your sisters so much!! hang in there girlie!loves to you all!
this really broke my heart. I can always feel your strong spirit through your words. This post reminds me to never take relationships for grant it. Hope things will become easier for you over time.
Alix,
I was your Mom's visiting teacher for a few years when you were an older teenager and just after you left for college. I fondly remember long conversations we had about how excited and proud she was of you and your sisters. She thrilled at your success and struggled with you in your sorrows. She was, and is, always on your side. I think a Mother's love transcends everything. It doesn't cease when her ability to communicate that love wanes. Look for it in other ways and rememberances. Write about your earliest memories and joys. It can be a "hard copy" reminder to reassure you when you need it. Have your sisters do the same. They will remember things you might not.
One of the things I love most about you is your ability to
"keep it real". Thanks for sharing your real self and feelings. Doing that allows others to do the same. Take care sweetie, Love Laurie
Sister I feel the same way. I miss her all the time and it hurts a lot. I feel so blessed that we have so many people close to us who love her and our family. I feel like a little piece of mom lives in each one of us too and that makes me feel a little bit better. I love you so much and want you to know that I am always here for you. And PS you are seriously amazing :)
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