oh the irony.

The other day I was meeting with my visiting teachers, whom I really do love and adore. They are seriously the greatest and are just amazing.

Anyway, we were chatting it up and discussing important things like boys, girls being girls and growing up when it dawned on me that I really feel like I have grown into a woman who is fearful. Not to be confused with feared. I don't think anyone is scared of me... unless I am PMSing. I guess that is kind of scary for everyone, including myself.

I digress.

What I am trying to say is that I have grown up and become scared to grow up and move on and open up and do what I want to do.

I am scared of failing. Of a broken heart. Of being alone.

I mean, I know I am not the only one with these fears. I think they are always tucked in the back of our minds somewhere. However, I allow them to almost consume me to the point where I feel stunted.

For so long I have wanted to go to Culinary Arts School. Why haven't I done it? It's not because I am lazy, contrary to popular belief. Deep down, I am scared of maybe not loving it as much as I think I would. And then I would inevitably fail. I mean, how many times have I tried something and absolutely hated it?

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to get married and have children. Cliche, but true. Why am I so hesitant to allow myself to get to that point? Is it because I am cautious? Or because I am just downright scared out of my everliving mind?

(And insert EPIPHANY here.)

I have been thinking about it. Heavenly Father would not want me to be fearful of living life and of achieving my goals. He wants me to have faith in myself.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Read this really inspiring talk "Live By Faith and Not By Fear"

Kids make me laugh. They walk the paths of life without so much as a care in the world. They couldn't care any less about what you think about them. This became obvious to me when I was nannying in Washington and the little girl said to me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend? Is it because you wear your hair like that?"

I remember thinking, "Wow, what a little brat. I LIKE my hair like this..."

She didn't care though. She just wanted to get her point across. She didn't care that I thought she was a brat or that it may have hurt my feelings. And at the end of the day, I was still playing Pretty Pretty Princess with her and making her PP&J sandwiches. As far as she was concerned, we were still BFFs. She was daring.

I was probably the most daring child anyone could know. Oh, ask anyone who knew me. I was climbing and jumping off of anything and I didn't care HOW high I was. I was jumping into all bodies of water, big or small. Hot or cold. I would play with any animal. I would touch anything, taste anything, try anything. I would voice my opinion or state the obvious facts that no one was brave enough to point out. ("MOM! WHY IS SHE SO FAT!?" and "MOM! THAT LADY IS DARRRRK!") I lived a fearless life. I love thinking about the kind of kid I was because it helps to inspire me. I realize that little kid who was riding and falling off of bikes and touching bugs and climbing to the top of the fridge was me. Where has that piece of me gone? Why, when we grow up, do we become so scared? Why are we so cautious to follow our dreams? To take that leap of faith? I vividly remember thinking when I was little, "Well, if it's my time to die, I guess I die." (I was an extremist) My faith in my Heavenly Father at that time was unwavering. I knew that He had a bigger plan for me and I couldn't live my life in constant fear.

I remember the times when I would try something new, maybe it was uncomfortable at first but, I take that leap of faith, and succeed and love every moment of it.

I guess there is just no way of really knowing until I try it.

I will not allow doubt interfere with my dreams or become the director of my life.

Here's to the leap.