peace.

Lately, I have noticed I am telling people that Utah is feeling more and more like home.

Such a strange thing for me to say because I remember always thinking that Utah will never be home for me.

But, with the very definite four seasons that this state has to offer, who could really argue that?

Fall here makes me want to write poetry, and to read it.

It makes me want to read everything with romantic flair.

This year, I don't plan on dressing up. Sadly, I haven't dressed up since 2007 and I just don't want to kick my tradition of not dressing up quite yet. Just give me a few more years.
I remember my parents used to dress up when I was little. Halloween has always been a favorite. I loved dressing up for it and decorating for it and doing all of the fun activities that this holiday has to offer.
I still feel that way and I hope I can continue to feel this way with my own kiddlets.
My mom, always the witch with the green face and crazy witch nose.
She would tell us that one night a year she could fly on her broom and her face would turn green... that she was a REAL witch.
(She was. Just kidding.)
I have learned to develop a good sense of humor through out all of the turmoil and stress this past year had to offer.
Certain things have become ridiculously funny to us and all we can do is just laugh at it.
I am still sad about it all. There are some days that go by and it takes all that I can to not lose it and cry every second. Those are the worst days. The smallest things set me off.
One night, Kirk and I decided to go back in time and watch Land Before Time together. I couldn't watch the first 10 minutes (the part when the mom dinosaur dies) without bawling. And then I continued to cry throughout the entire movie. Bad choice.
I can't do the sad movies or shows. It's too hard.
I have to say however, that I have found things to get somewhat easier.
I am not as angry as I used to be. I am not as pitiful as I used to be. And I am not as stressed as I used to be.
I know that this has a lot to do with hand of the Lord in my life and all of the prayers that you guys have offered up for our family. I am overwhelmed everyday at how much people have been willing to help and serve and pray for us. It means a lot and has made a huge difference and impact on my life. I can just feel it.
I'm not going to lie, there was a time when I was really angry and frustrated with the cards our family has been dealt. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I always asked why us? What have we done to deserve such a horrible thing? I felt very alone and very ignored. I forced myself to think about the positive. Because if I went down that road of hate, I wouldn't be able to come back.
It was hard for me to go to church. I felt like I had to put on a smile and pretend like everything was fine. I didn't want to talk about it. And I felt like if I were to say what was actually going on, it would put that weight on everyone else and I was embarrassed and I didn't want to do that to people.
When I went to Washington to help take care of my family and do the impossible/stressful move, I was feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed and upset. After a long conversation with my friend's mom about all of this, I told her that I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore.
She said, "Listen. I don't know how to solve all of your problems. I don't know if anyone does. But what I do know, is that you have to give this burden to God and only then, will you feel peace."
At first I was like, there is no way that this would solve ANY of my problems. It's happening now, here on earth and giving my burdens to God will not change the fact that I still have a mother with Alzheimer's who can't take care of her children and whom I can't ask what to do in this situation. Peace is not in my future. This is a life-long illness that just gets worse. It's going to get even harder than this. The weight of it all is on me.
 This last trip to California was surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be. It was still hard to see my mom get worse. It was strange to see her as a child instead of my mom, to see her needing and depending on others more. But it wasn't as difficult as I had anticipated. Maybe things had gotten easier. I had been praying for the past year for things to be easier. To lean on Him through all of these painful emotions and to give me hope and peace.
It was like a light went off and it all made sense.
Peace.
I get it.
My attitude has changed. I can handle more. I am stronger than before. And I have the support of my family and friends guiding me along the way.
It doesn't change the outcome of what is happening. That part is still sad.
But the hope part. The hope part has changed for me.

I remember having a conversation with Kirk about how there is no hope. Nothing will get better and life - especially my mom's - is just going to get harder. This disease doesn't get better. Hope does not exist with Alzheimer's.

Then he said that the hope that I should have should be the eternal kind of hope. The hope that we will all be together again, with no sicknesses. That her memory will be restored in the next life and that we will understand it all then.
Light bulb.
I'm still working on it though. It's not like every single day is a walk in the park. There has been improvement. But, I know there is still a lot ahead of me that I won't be able to control. I know I talk about it a lot. The situation our family is in and I am not asking for pity or consolation. I am mostly writing this post to remember this feeling and so I can look back on it and remind myself that even though, when times are so hard I can't breathe, that there is hope. It's so easy to forget that when bad things happen.
And I just want to be able to know that I'm stronger than I think I am.
And I'm not alone.

Oakland, CA temple.