it's coming.

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for their support after that last post. I was really feeling blue and I am so glad I have people in my life who are there for me and love me. I really do appreciate every single one of you... and you know who you are.

Nextly, let's talk about Christmas.

I am very excited about this. I think I am more excited for this SEASON than for the actual day of Christmas. I love the music. The snow. The holiday shopping traffic. The busy mall. The hot soups and hot chocolates. The lights. I could really go on and on. It makes me feel warm inside. Does it do this for you? It's quite possibly the most inspiring holiday ever.

It makes me want to do tons of holiday crafts. I have already made a wreath that really didn't turn out to be Christmas-y. It just turned out cute and totally usable all year round.

Here are some other crafts I want to make:

The yarn wreath. Actually, I have already made one and they are probably the easiest things ever. Just buy a foam ring and then your favorite yarn and wrap it around. Time consuming, yes. However, it's way cute and super cheap and I love it.

Another foam extravaganza. These are adorable and rustic and they look kind of homemade but mostly they look awesome. Even though I have inherited hundreds of ornaments, I still want to make these and find some sort of reason to use them all year round. Maybe put them in a bowl or on a plate for the coffee table? Yes.

And foam party #3. Foam cone with felt flaps. I love this idea. I love it. And it's perfect for the holidays. I bet you could use a different color felt and keep it up year round. Like, grey and yellow cones. They won't look like Christmas. I promise.

therapy.

This post is about to get very personal.

I think I really do need a therapist but I have no health insurance and I can't afford to pay for it myself.

However, I think this blog is like therapy for me so that is why I am channeling my energy, or should I say EMOTIONS to here.

Thanksgiving was great. I was so happy to be able to see family and friends I haven't seen in literally a decade. I loved being able to spend time with my mom and little sisters and be able to share the holiday with them.

Thanksgiving was also strange for me. Like I said, there were people - family - I haven't seen in years. It was so odd and I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I began to feel sorry for myself because what is more important than family? And I had not kept up any sort of relationship with them and I felt like nobody knew who I was or why I was even there. I noticed that I was not acting like myself and that I was becoming this silent, shy, introvert that I normally am not. I hated it. Absolutely HATED it.

I don't know why I became so not myself. But it hit me that I didn't like how everything has changed and everything is different from the last time I was around a decade ago. (Decade, I hate that I can say a decade ago and I can remember what I was doing a DECADE ago.) I felt like I didn't know these people, my family. It's weird to me that life keeps on going for everyone and things change for everyone and I am just seeing where people are right now... I don't get to see the change happen. I mean, who am I to get upset with the universe when life continues on? Things have definitely changed for me and my life.

I hate change. I hate it with an ever-growing passion. I wish things would stay the same forever and we would never have to deal with anything difficult. Of course, without change I wouldn't be able to grow and hopefully become a better person.

I never like to talk about it. I don't like to talk about how my mom's Alzheimer's affects me. I actually never talk about it. It kills me when I see her struggle with remembering what she is talking about. It tears me up when I see her spell my name wrong. My name, the one she gave me when I was born. And I hate that inevitably she will not remember me or any of her children. It has been hard for me to think of things to be thankful for when I feel like my life was the epitome of tragedy.

I try to look strong. I try to be brave about it. Life happens. People are dealt crappy cards in life. I get it. Oh, how I get it. But, the truth of the matter is that it's hard. And no matter how strong or brave I try to be, I feel like a child inside. Terrified of the future. Friends have told me that I adapt to change very well. Maybe I look like I do, but on the inside, I fall apart. I ignore it and it ends up killing my soul. I have gotten really good at putting on a happy face and pretending.

I don't even know this person that I am now. I have gotten so good at wearing this mask (so to speak) that when I take it off, I don't recognize myself anymore. That's what made Thanksgiving so weird for me. The people haven't really changed. I have. I didn't know who I was or where I fit in and I regressed to the days where I was still trying to figure out me.

I need to not keep things bottled up inside me. I need to feel the emotions that I am feeling and not pretend like everything is ok when I'm not. It damages the soul. It changes me and makes me into a person that I can't recognize. I don't mean for this to sound all, "Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?" blah blah blah. But seriously, this was what I was dealing with for the past few months!

So on the drive home yesterday, I realized this and got a burst of motivation. Something I have not felt in so long. I just can't wait to get this life of mine going again. I can't wait to feel purpose and I can't wait to move on and grow up even more. I am getting that tingling feeling in my feet. The feeling of waking up, becoming alive again.

thankfuls update.

Well well well, look who fell behind on her list of thankfuls. Way to go.

It's ok. I'm going to catch up on that RIGHT now.

Are you ready for this?

10. The gospel. It is unbelievable how important this is to me and the amount of gratitude I have for it just grows and grows.

11. Crafts. I am kind of one to be the master procrastinator when it comes to crafts - I like to start them but take FOREVER to finish them. It drives me crazy. However, I LOVE doing them. I love having something I am looking forward to see the outcome of and I love being busy doing something fun.

12. Diet Coke. I know I am so pathetic but my love for DC has not wavered but has grown. Whatever. I really don't care. I love going to McDonald's and getting my $1 drink and enjoy that first sip as the bubbles tickle my throat. Ohhh it's definitely love. haha

13. Chips and dip. Best. Snack. Ever.

14. My apartment. I know I said I am glad to have a place to call home, but let's be honest here, I'm pretty obsessed with my apartment. It makes me feel warm inside.

15. My calling. I never thought I would be grateful to be the Relief Society teacher because we all know how I hate speaking in front of any amount of people larger than 4. I have been known to refuse to give talks. And although I have minor panic attacks each Saturday before I teach, the feeling I get when I am done is absolutely amazing.

16. Stuffing. Let's be real here, this is the best side dish of Thanksgiving. And I am excited to stuff my face with it.

17. My family. Oh my family. I don't know if I could even express the gratitude I have for them. I love them all and I am really so very excited to see Julia and Natalia this Thanksgiving. I am grateful for how helpful and involved my extended family has been with everything happening with my mom. My family deserves it's own post. But, they are definitely HIGH on this thankful list.

18. Funny moments. I'm pretty sure laughing is the SOLE reason why I haven't spiraled down to the pits of despair. And seriously, I just have to shout out to Kirk for making me laugh EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

19. Kirk. Could I get any more lucky with this guy? I don't think so. He has been there for me when I have needed him most. He supports me and wants me to succeed in everything I do. I really do love him and I SO incredibly grateful to have him in my life. He's a keeper.

20. Music. This is such a generic thankful however, it's something I can't even begin to go into detail about. It lifts my soul, takes me on vacation and has the ability to change my mood.

21. The Food Network. We all know my love for the Food Network is undying. And divine. I love food. I love TV. Beautiful marriage.

22. While on the topic of television, I am becoming more obsessed with HGTV. I love getting awesome ideas to decorate and looking inside of people's homes.

And more to come as the month goes! Now I'm going to get ready for the day. BFF Mindy is in town and I do plan to see her tonight. And we leave for California on Wednesday. JOY!

sara bareilles.

One sold out concert plus one friend who didn't want her ticket EQUALS I was able to see Sara Bareilles last night.

It was A-MAZING.

I love her and always have. I remember when I got her first album over 4 years ago, I listened to it thousands of times, memorizing every single one of her songs.

And the best part is that whenever I listen to any of her songs now, they are not old to me at all. I still love them just as much, if not more than when I first heard them.

I love that she writes all of her songs.

I love her voice.

She is unbelievably talented.

I expected the piano... and the guitar.

But when she whipped out the accordion, I was shocked!

Her voice is as smooth as honey and its no wonder that she is a Grammy Award winner.

I just love her and I would totally go see her again.

I love all of her songs and she played a lot of my favorites. However, my absolute favorite song of hers is "Gravity." When she performed this song last night, I may have gotten a little teary eyed.

She played the acoustic version but, the one on youtube doesn't do it justice.

decisions decisions.

Alright alright alright alright alright alright.

Verdict is in and this old woman is going BACK to school... to prove to EVERYONE that I am freaking awesome. And to shut every one up.

For REAL.

I don't have to declare a major quite yet however, I have a few ideas of what I really, truly and deeply would love to study.

My family (extended included) believe I should study something that can make me money right after I graduate. I say, that is wise, but NO fun. In fact, zero fun since I do not have a passion for calculating someone's finances, or making graphs for my boss. BORING. Not for me. I find happiness and contentment in creativity and being able to express myself. I know I sound like a total hippie and yes, I have some hippie in this soul. Whatever, I own it.

Something I have been wanting to do since I was a wee babe was be an artist. Honest. People would ask my kindergarten self what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would say an artist. AN ARTIST!

Every single art class I had from grade school through high school, I was so happy and almost giddy with excitement to go to class. I was in my element. My zone. How awesome would it be to be able to study and major in ART? My uncle would say is, "Ahhhh there is no way to make a decent living with that degree!"

Then there is the whole culinary arts thing. This has been a more recent dream of mine. I remember telling my mom I wanted to go to culinary arts school right after high school and she kindly disagreed and told me to study something else and get a degree in something more practical. She probably meant business or something. Culinary arts is just another degree my awesome uncle would say "AHHHH there is no way to make a decent living with THAT degree!"

What my uncle doesn't know is that I have an entrepreneurial mind. That, and an entrepreneur for a boyfriend. With our powers combined, we could figure out SOME way to make a pretty penny. Or an ugly penny.

So I've got a lot of nay-sayers in my life.

There is also the whole teaching thing. I have wanted to be a high school teacher and think it would be a fantastic career. I had some pretty cool teachers in high school and I actually like high school students... good benefits, summers off... what more?

And also, nursing. Nursing would make some money. I LOVE science. I do. Vomit? not so much a fan of. In fact, just the word vomit kind of makes me gag.

Anyway, it is clearly decision making time. It's a tough call and the MAIN reason I decided to take a break from college in the first place.

Does anyone have any great advice? I am in need of some great advice.

Thoughts?

nonsensical.

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.

It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Which is what I do.

And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities."

-Dr. Seuss

thankful: #8 and #9

Hola.

I have a few more things I would like to share and add to my list of thankfuls.

8. I am thankful for Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Although I put up a fight every time it happens, the pre-thanksgiving Christmas decorations and music always gets me very excited for the holidays and definitely lifts my spirits.

9. Slippers. My apartment is bipolar when it comes to the thermostat. When the cool air is on, my room gets boiling hot. And when the heat is on, the thermostat will not let me set it above 62 degrees. WHAT is up with that? So I was moseying through my home and my feet were freezing! Then I remembered I had some very soft, very plush slippers. HELLO!

Making this list is very humbling... Everyday there are things that happen and can bring me down. Like today, I found out that GAY ObamaCare only includes civilians and NOT any government personnel. COOL. Thanks a lot OBAMACARE. Anyway, as I was about to curse the president, I remembered I needed to write my blog about my thankfuls for yesterday and today. Humbling. (Even though I'm still pissed. Yes, I am.)

Now I'm off to make some dinner... what to make? Decisions decisions...

i have thanks.

I know it has been approximately one week since Halloween and I have yet to change my header on this here bloggy blog. And since I have approximately no job and do approximately nothing all day, I really have no excuse as to why it hasn't been changed.

But, you better be prepared because it's about to change. Probably within a day or two... Still working on my photoshop skills, ok?

Anyway, would you like to hear what I have been up to? I know I said nothing, but I'm going to be honest, I lied. I actually have been pretty busy until yesterday.

My mom came into town! She spent a good 5 days with us and we had a blast! We were even able to have a lovely photoshoot courtesy of yours truly. I should probably get into the photography business with my skills. I have learned through this experience that I am actually more comfortable behind the camera than in front of one. Weird. I thought I was such a ham... I guess I'm not. (I'm speaking as if I'm really a professional here.)

Here are a few of my favorites!

In other news, I am really excited for Thanksgiving! This year, we are making the road-trip to Northern California which means less travel time, and also means not driving through TWO mountain passes. I was getting pretty sick of the drive to and from Utah and Washington. Anyway, I also get to see MOST of my family. I get to see my daddio and my madre and both sides of the family. This has not been able to happen since I was about 6 or 7... WOW. It's gonna be crazy. AND I am bringing Kirk. He will get to experience my family first hand... we'll see how well he likes it :)

Anyway, I have decided I am going to copy cat my BFF Heather on her Thankful posts for the month of November. I think this is a splendid idea. And what better way to say "GREAT IDEA!" than to copy it? And since it is the 7th of November, it looks like I have to make up for lost time.

It's a little bit hard to think about things I am thankful for when I feel like my life is all over the place but here it goes: (in no particular order)

1. I am thankful for Disney movies. They make me happy no matter what mood I am in. Especially the ones that remind me of my childhood. Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Cinderella, and The Jungle Book. For some reason the Jungle Book brings back memories of Bebe and Dolly when they were babies.

2. Friends. I have never been MORE thankful for friends until now. I have always been grateful for them but since everything has been going on with our family, it has become very apparent to me how IMPORTANT these people are to me. I honestly don't know where I would be without them.

3. Washing machines. I think I would probably die without one. Ok, not really. I would find another way to wash my things. BUT, I am grateful for this man made machinery that cleans my bedding, blankets, clothes, towels etc. I am a little bit OCD when it comes to my bed especially and I love that I can wash it lickity split and enjoy the clean smells of Tide and bounce sheets. MMMM.

4. Candles. Speaking of smells, what is better than the scent of cranberries or cinnamon vanilla wafting through the air? Not much, not much.

5. Today's technology. It is so awesome to me that we can keep in touch with people so easily these days. I can pick up the phone and call, text or email someone instantly.

6. Going to the movies with Kirk. I am grateful that Kirk enjoys the magic of movie theaters as much as I do.

7. Having a place to call home. Although, I can't say that Washington is my home, or California is my home, I have felt more and more that Utah is my home... for now. And I am giddy to come home to my apartment after a long day of work or a trip across the country.

(I'm also grateful for this picture... I love piglets.)

More thankfuls to be written soon!

Happy Sunday!

ew.

Today I had an experience that was purely gross.

I was at Kirk's apartment tonight. I had to use the restroom like crazy so I walked into his bathroom that he shares with another roommate and there was a PUDDLE of URINE on the floor.

A PUDDLE!

A few things ran through my mind when I saw this.

1. How can one MISS the toilet like that and NOT bother to clean up after themselves?

2. Maybe this is a common thing among boys and since I grew up with approximately ZERO brothers, I have no experience in this matter.

3. However, I did have a step brother and although he only visited every summer and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas, I did not encounter any urine on the floor whatsoever.

4. Stop gagging.

5. Maybe that's why BYU has the honor code - which I was clearly in violation of - and thus it would have prevented me from running into such a disgusting scene.

I was actually more pissed (pun intended) than anything else. I ran from the restroom to Kirk and demanded that he should what was in the bathroom. Of course he denied any responsibility in the matter (he tends to be pretty neat and clean and I really appreciate that about him. I enjoy cleanliness. Who doesn't?) and continued to explain that it's his roommate and it has actually been going on for a while...

um... WHAT?

He then told me that he didn't know how to tell his roommate to clean up his PEE from the floor without sounding condescending or hurting his feelings.

I think the best way to handle this situation is of course with a sign above the toilet that says,

"Please control your aim or clean your mess, you filthy, filthy animal."