therapy.

This post is about to get very personal.

I think I really do need a therapist but I have no health insurance and I can't afford to pay for it myself.

However, I think this blog is like therapy for me so that is why I am channeling my energy, or should I say EMOTIONS to here.

Thanksgiving was great. I was so happy to be able to see family and friends I haven't seen in literally a decade. I loved being able to spend time with my mom and little sisters and be able to share the holiday with them.

Thanksgiving was also strange for me. Like I said, there were people - family - I haven't seen in years. It was so odd and I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I began to feel sorry for myself because what is more important than family? And I had not kept up any sort of relationship with them and I felt like nobody knew who I was or why I was even there. I noticed that I was not acting like myself and that I was becoming this silent, shy, introvert that I normally am not. I hated it. Absolutely HATED it.

I don't know why I became so not myself. But it hit me that I didn't like how everything has changed and everything is different from the last time I was around a decade ago. (Decade, I hate that I can say a decade ago and I can remember what I was doing a DECADE ago.) I felt like I didn't know these people, my family. It's weird to me that life keeps on going for everyone and things change for everyone and I am just seeing where people are right now... I don't get to see the change happen. I mean, who am I to get upset with the universe when life continues on? Things have definitely changed for me and my life.

I hate change. I hate it with an ever-growing passion. I wish things would stay the same forever and we would never have to deal with anything difficult. Of course, without change I wouldn't be able to grow and hopefully become a better person.

I never like to talk about it. I don't like to talk about how my mom's Alzheimer's affects me. I actually never talk about it. It kills me when I see her struggle with remembering what she is talking about. It tears me up when I see her spell my name wrong. My name, the one she gave me when I was born. And I hate that inevitably she will not remember me or any of her children. It has been hard for me to think of things to be thankful for when I feel like my life was the epitome of tragedy.

I try to look strong. I try to be brave about it. Life happens. People are dealt crappy cards in life. I get it. Oh, how I get it. But, the truth of the matter is that it's hard. And no matter how strong or brave I try to be, I feel like a child inside. Terrified of the future. Friends have told me that I adapt to change very well. Maybe I look like I do, but on the inside, I fall apart. I ignore it and it ends up killing my soul. I have gotten really good at putting on a happy face and pretending.

I don't even know this person that I am now. I have gotten so good at wearing this mask (so to speak) that when I take it off, I don't recognize myself anymore. That's what made Thanksgiving so weird for me. The people haven't really changed. I have. I didn't know who I was or where I fit in and I regressed to the days where I was still trying to figure out me.

I need to not keep things bottled up inside me. I need to feel the emotions that I am feeling and not pretend like everything is ok when I'm not. It damages the soul. It changes me and makes me into a person that I can't recognize. I don't mean for this to sound all, "Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?" blah blah blah. But seriously, this was what I was dealing with for the past few months!

So on the drive home yesterday, I realized this and got a burst of motivation. Something I have not felt in so long. I just can't wait to get this life of mine going again. I can't wait to feel purpose and I can't wait to move on and grow up even more. I am getting that tingling feeling in my feet. The feeling of waking up, becoming alive again.